#ILiveWithMentalillness #CSA #NoMoreSecrets
I live with mental illness and I have done so for over 40 years. One of the best things I ever did for myself a few years back was admitting that I had mental illness and then dealing with it. That has been life changing for me. The difference today is that I have learned how to live with and how to control my mental health better, rather than the other way round. For much of my childhood, the informative years, I had learned that I was very much alone in the world and there was no one around to protect me. From the age of 7 years old, I had to look out for myself. Taken from the family home, I was placed into residential schooling/care. I had to protect myself and adapt to learn how to deal with the violence and sexual abuse that was to become a major part of my daily life for an entire decade.
The shame that surrounds mental health caused me to self-stigmatise for many years. I kept it very quiet and felt ashamed that I was not in control of myself. I had deeply locked away the memories of the sexual abuse and violence I suffered from the age of 6 to 16 years. All that trauma was locked away in the sub-conscious mind and it was this naturally that had created the mental health issues I had.
I speak to people about my life experiences and I get a variety of responses. Some people are quite rightly horrified about the abuse I suffered; some people are interested to learn how I faced the challenges of my mental health issues. Some people make it quite clear that they have no interest in what I have to say and some people, family and colleagues included quickly change the subject to avoid engaging with me regarding it. It should be noted from similar reactions I have had that child sexual abuse (CSA) has attracted a similar taboo as mental health. Both these subjects are misguidedly damaging in their mistaken belief.
I think it fair to say under my circumstance, that it was no wonder that my mental health was not as stable as it should have been. At 50 years of age, I see myself as a reasonably intelligent, professional person and I have enjoyed a varied career thus far. Academically I have taken my education to an honours degree level and I still enjoy the challenge of learning new subjects. I do not have social friends as such and I do not socialise, preferring the comfort of my own home and the company of my immediate family. I do not enjoy large groups of people and only function well in those if engaged professionally. I believe this is a symptom of my mental illness.
I have suffered from depression; I have suffered from anxiety, and I have had OCD for as long as I can remember. The severity of that has varied over the years and although always present, it generally has no effect on my ability to live or operate normally. The OCD has been my way of gaining control of factors affecting my life, something that would have been difficult as a young child. I think it would be fair to say that illness has been more compulsion than obsession.
I have attempted to take my own life, in the past and I have self-harmed through a previous compulsion to punch heavy, static objects like brick walls. This frequently caused damage to my hands, primarily the right one. I recently relived this in Court, when giving evidence as a witness to my own suffered child abuse; the defence barrister questioned my ability to recollect events properly. I explained to the Court that when the ‘recollections’ flood back regarding the beatings and the unwanted sexual activity I was forced into as a child at the hands of male members of staff at Heanton and Kesgrave Hall Boarding Schools (1970’s) these generally manifested as nightmares and living horrors that were equally as traumatic as their origins. One way I found to silent the voices screaming in my head was to cause immediate, physical pain to myself, hence the punching of walls, etc.
I did not always recognise that I had mental illness because I felt I was just a loner; in reality I had withdrawn myself from everyone for decades, rarely attending social gatherings and forging only a few select friendships as previously stated. That is how I liked it to be. I found relationships difficult, people could not be trusted and when I did open up and trust I had failed to recognise that I had entered into abusive relationships on numerous occasions. That took its toll on me also. I have had two failed marriages prior to meeting my partner of 15 years Mandy. She has stuck by me and supported me through the many difficult years of coming to terms with my violent and abusive childhood. I am so grateful to have such a beautiful person in my life, my saviour in many ways. I think it is important to recognise that the partners of adult survivors of child sexual abuse (CSA) deserve high praise indeed. Living with and supporting someone struggling to fight off the demons of their past, without any support themselves, is above and beyond the realms of normality and duty expected of them. All I can say is that Mandy is a wonderful, loving person that has saved my life and given me a life. She is in essence my life.
I would also like to recognise here Tom Elliott, a Psychologist in East Kent (UK), who has worked with me and supported me over the past few years. Tom skilfully directed me onto a path of healing and self-awareness that has enabled me to know so much about myself and how I react to life’s challenges. Tom has been the best friend any man could ask for. My family and work colleagues live with my mental illness, because they spend time with me. Most people would not know I have mental illness; it is only when I tell them that I have suffered from mental illness that they become aware.
My mental illness is not as debilitating as it was and I am able to recognise changes and deal with them so much better these days. The relationship I have with the majority of people who are told of my mental illness history does not change in any way. There are some people however who see my mental illness as a problem. I think the problem lies solely with them though!!
Today I am not ashamed to tell people that I was sexually abused as a child and that I have suffered from mental health illness. It has been the talking openly about it that has helped things improve for me. The taboo and stigma that surrounds both subjects still very much exists in all walks of our society, but there are signs that this is improving. The media and other national initiatives such as ‘#TimeToChange’ are turning the tide with mental heath stigma and discrimination awareness together with the media exposure of historic abuse cases, has helped to create awareness of CSA cases and associated issues. There is a vast Internet community that is also creating awareness and providing support for survivors of CSA.
I self-disclose and write about my experiences with the desire to help and inform others. If you are affected or triggered by my writing, please seek medical support.
No more Secrets 