A frequent response from anyone learning first hand of historic child sexual abuse is to ask the question ‘why did you not say anything?’ I responded to such a question again recently and through this also discovered how manipulative and evil the paedophile ring was at Heanton and Kesgrave Hall Schools in the 1970’s. More so than even I imagined.
I would like to discuss the question of “why did you not say anything?” Having recently given evidence in a Crown Court in respect of the abuse I suffered as a child in the independent residential schooling system in the UK (1970’s), I was asked this question by my stepfather. I guess it is understandable why anyone outside of historic child sexual abuse would ask that question. Anyone with little or no exposure to it or a victim of it will have some difficulty understanding it. It is abhorrent, unnatural and disgusting. It is against everything that most people would consider to be ‘normal’ and decent.
After briefly explaining that as a very young child I was frightened and terrified with what was happening to me and I was also living in fear of reprisals for refusing to comply with advances, let alone telling others about it. I did explain to my stepfather that whilst I was at Kesgrave Hall School, Ipswich, I had actually written a letter to my mother during the year of 1976 (I was aged between 11 and 12 years) to explained in the letter that I was unhappy at the school and what had been happening to me for the past 6 years and who was responsible. I wrote about the severe beatings I had received, the constant sexual assaults, the other indecent acts and the general daily violence and humiliation I was subjected to. I recalled that I had asked the school laundry lady to post the letter for me, so as to bypass the open envelope (censorship) process that was operated at the school. I knew that this letter was never going to get past the censor and as such, I had to rely on the goodwill of the lady from the village who came in daily to do the washing at the school.
What happened next with this letter I had entrusted to the laundry lady did was catastrophic for me. She had taken the letter and the money I had saved from my allowance for a stamp and given the letter to the headmaster. It was not long before I was summoned to the headmaster’s office (Mr Shepherd), probably a day or so later and I received a severe beating, after being told that the letter was full of lies and fabrication and was never to be repeated. The beating would have consisted of trashes across the lower back with a bamboo cane, whilst bent forward and across the knuckles if any attempt were made to evade the punishment by moving. Mr Shepherd also had a process of standing you near a blank wall in his office and he would punch you in the chest, bouncing you off the wall whilst shouting at you.
This was the first time I had amassed any courage to speak up about the abuse at the school and the last time until 1996. I did not attempt anything like that again whilst at Kesgrave Hall School and I think it should explain adequately why I chose not to speak up. Another implication of a failed attempt to expose the paedophiles and sadists was that of reprisal. It was not worth the risk.
All letters written by us to our parents, etc., where handed to a teacher unsealed and following a censorship process, they were either re-written or accepted for postage and taken. We had no proof that the letters were ever sent out. In the same vein, the letters we received from home where given to us opened. All incoming mail was also censored prior to us reading it.
The ‘letter to laundry lady’ recollection brought a number of matters to mind. Firstly, the beating I received from Mr Shepherd involved numerous punches to the chest, being buffeted into a wall in his office, to receive further punches on the rebound, a bit like a punch bag, followed by lashes of the cane across the lower back/backside whilst being forcibly held down in a forward bend position. The punches being significant enough to take the wind out of my lungs and the cane leaving a burning sensation and welt marks to be later discovered on removing clothing. This beating was equally memorable as the excessive beatings I received from Mr Lafford (Mike), Mr Leonard (?), Mr Brockman (David), Mr Downing (John) and others, with each member of staff favouring their own particular method of delivery. One beating from Mr Lafford at Kesgrave Hall School put me in the school infirmary for a few days.
Recently (December 2014) I had a back MRI scan undertaken at QEQM Hospital, Margate following some excessive lower back pain. The MRI was able to successfully signify that the pain had been caused by a lower back muscle spasm. The MRI did however show an injury to the upper spine. An historic compound fracture to the upper spine was clearly visible on the scan. The double fracture has fused together and the broken vertebra was significantly smaller than the healthy ones. I spoke with Mr Casha, a Consultant Orthopedic Surgeon ain East Kent and asked his opinion regarding this. Mr Casha viewed the MRI images and it was in his opinion that the fractured vertebra was historically damaged through an extreme trauma and he was minded to believe that there was a high possibility that this could have happened during my adolescent years (Kesgrave Hall School 1975 to 1980).
Another revelation that unfolded recently, when relaying this story to my mother and stepfather she was about the letters writing. I asked her if she had received my ‘normal’ censored letters and she said these were received infrequently. I would have written every week, or certainly every other week home and generally wrote to my grandmother on the opposite week.
I told her that in the entire 10 years of boarding school (Heanton and Kesgrave Hall) I had not received regular letters from her, only those from my Grandmother. She was very surprised to hear this and explained that she had written to me constantly, virtually weekly. I told her that I certainly had not received the letters.
This then brought to mind an incident from May 1999, when I was giving evidence in Ipswich Crown Court, as a witness in the Alan Stancliffe abuse trial (Kesgrave Hall, indecent assaults). During my cross examination, the defence barrister produced as exhibits, letters from my mother to me whilst I was at Kesgrave Hall School during the late 1970’s. I confirmed that these were letters seemingly written by mother to me, whilst I was at that school. The purpose being that there were no contents or indications in the letters signifying that there were any problems, issues or concerns. Until now, I had missed the importance of these letters being produced by Stancliffe’s defence. I had not provided these to the Court, because I had never been in receipt of them. The letters were obviously retained by the school and had never been passed on to me. Further more the letters must have been retained by Vivian Davies, a director of Kesgrave Hall School (Records Custodian) and former headmaster of Heanton School in May 1999, for them to have been produced by Stancliffe’s defence team to establish some angle for defense and be used as such some 20 years later. Highly suspicious and indicative of manipulative minds having the forethought of dealing with future scenarios arising from complaints against the school or staff within.
Going back to the original topic of ‘why did you not say anything?’ When a victim of childhood sexual abuse comes forward and does speak out, it has taken immeasurable courage for that person to do so. It is probably one of the bravest things that person has done. They will undoubtedly feel frightened and vulnerable because of their actions, but they will have taken this course of action because they want their abuser/s to be exposed. If you ask that person initially – why did you not say something before? They will say, “because I couldn’t”. Initially that will be all you will get from them. The real reasons will come out later in the healing process.
Many of the boys who went through the schools I did, like me they would have experienced abuse and violence at a very young age (7+). We were in effect extremely vulnerable and alone. There were no regular inspections or audits of these schools that we knew of. I never recall any inspections of the schools or being asked any questions about the school or my time there. For us institutional abuse was a way of life, it was our life. We grew up in it and knew no different. This was normal everyday (and night time) activity that demanded total submission from us. Any attempt made to subvert or refuse advances from the staff was met with violence and brute force. It soon became very clear that fighting against them was totally counterproductive.
I can state that I was left feeling highly ashamed of what had happened to me. The attackers were very skilful in transferring the guilt on to you. They were indecently assaulting us and forcing us to touch them and to engage in sexual activity with them. After all you can only pretend to be asleep for part of time. You think that no one will believe you and if you talk it about it, you will be ridiculed or hurt further. It was a dirty secret that you had to keep quite about.
A victim of abuse may feel if they tell someone, they will be blamed for what had happened or be accused of lying about it. My biological father accused me of lying, when I told him in 1996 that I had been abused as a child and I was speaking to the police about it. He was one of the first people I told and one of the last for another 17 years.
Many victims of abuse are told to keep it a secret and sadly most do keep it a secret and keep it locked away deep inside for a very long time. It is very difficult having to think about it, even more so trying to talk about it and for some, they will be fearful of mentioning it, in case it is not accepted or listened to. I know from my experience, the actual act of talking about it to someone else was extremely difficult and it took a few years to get past that. The conditioned instinct of not talking about it meant I had to physically force the words out. This does improve with time.
Many abusers will threaten the victim that if they tell, they might kill someone in their family or threaten that the authorities will come in and break up their family. Many victims of abuse dissociate when memories of their own abuse surfaces, to distance themselves from the pain or to protect their loved ones from the pain. Some victims will only be able to speak out once their abuser is dead; not that speaking about it becomes any easier for them.
It is easy and natural for any caring, compassionate person to say to a victim/survivor of historic child sexual abuse ‘why did you not say anything?’ And hopefully they will in time understand the reasons why that would never have been possible.
I applaud the bravery of any victim of historic CSA who speaks up and exposes their attacker/s. Sadly, there is a battle still getting the system to believe you but stand your ground, the truth will always win. Justice is the ultimate goal, but uncovering the abuser/s serves a purpose too. They can no longer hide behind a veil of respectability. They will be exposed. They will never hurt anyone again.
In my experience, once I had exposed paedophiles from my past, normally through the regional and national media, other victims came forward and reported allegations against them. Other investigations were undertaken and other trials ensued. Although these individuals will ultimately face their final judgment for what they have done, there is some personal benefit to be gained from having ‘your day in Court’.
No more Secrets 